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August 9, 2009 19:51 PM

Eric and Laura: Engaged!

After twenty-four years of his hellraising bachelor lifestyle, Eric Jay Zapakin is tying the knot to his long-time better half, Ms. Laura Victor!

The world found out this momentous news through Eric's Facebook status, which currently reads "engaged!!!" This is in stark contrast to the usual string of Simpsons quotes and obscure movie references that Zapakin publishes on his "news feed" to conceal his top secret daily doings.

But one thing Eric has not kept a secret is his love for fiancé Laura Victor. When recounting his proposal, Eric said: "Um...I liked it, so I put a ring on it......Oh oh oh." After this, Zapakin broke into a coordinated dance routine ala Beyonce Knowles, which was presumably also part of his proposal.

Friends of Eric have long expected Zapakin to drop to one knee before Laura, but moreso because Eric's somewhat clumsy motor skills would result in a him landing in that position by accident. The fact that he had an engagement ring at ready, and kneeled entirely without incident came as a surprise to us all. But, as everyone who knows him can attest, Eric Zapakin is a man of many surprises -- and Laura is very lucky to have him!

We here at EZTK wish Eric and Laura a long and happy future together. Mazel tov!

Posted By: Pete Berg

April 3, 2009 01:20 AM

Eric bids good-bye to ER with one solemn tear

Tonight, Eric Zapakin's all-time favorite television show of all time, ER, comes to an end.

The medical drama, which has defined Eric's life over the past fifteen seasons, practically raised him into manhood. When Eric wasn't napping or playing Madden, he was watching ER.

"ER was always kind of like a second dad to me," remarked Zapakin, who generally spends more time per week watching ER re-runs than speaking with his biological parents. "My father Mr. Alan Zapakin and Dr. Doug Ross both hold a very special place in my heart. But only one of them could save me from a heart attack. Or give me a bilabial systolic tracheotomy," said Eric, rattling off some of the quasi-medical jargon that he had learned from the TV drama.

The effects ER has had on Eric's life are numerous. The NBC series was the subject of Eric's first hit record, and Eric once stated that E and R will be the initials of the first-born Zapakin child.

The show is one of the few things that has ever elicited an emotional response from the normally dispassionate Zapakin. The hours leading up to tonight's ER finale marked the first time Eric had cried since the 2002 episode in which Dr. Greene died of an inoperable brain tumor. A single, solemn tear rolled down Eric's cheek as he stared blankly at the TV Guide Channel's evening lineup, announcing ER's final episode.

"Sorry, I think I have a foreign object lodged on my corneal membrane," Eric said abruptly, referring to an alleged speck of dust in his eye. Zapakin then rushed into a neighboring bathroom, saying he had to "flush out" the alleged object, a simple medical procedure he saw Dr. Kovac perform on season 10, episode 3 of ER.

When asked what he plans to do now that ER is off the air, Eric said "I dunno. Probably nap more. Catch up on my Madden. Oh, and I just bought ER seasons 1 through 8 on DVD, so I'll probably watch those."

Posted By: Pete Berg

March 19, 2008 16:08 PM

Eric Zapakin announces bid for U.S. Presidency

Step aside Hillary. Give up, McCain. Go suck an egg, Obama. There's a new President in town!

In a historic speech yesterday, made wearing sweatpants and sitting on the couch of his West Hollywood apartment, Eric Zapakin announced his candidacy for the 2008 U.S. Presidency.

"I dunno, I guess I wouldn't mind being President," said Eric, as he played a heated game of Madden. "If you guys vote for me, I'll do it." With these words, Eric threw his proverbial hat into the ring. His faded blue New York Yankees hat.

Zapakin will be running as a third party candidate with the National Right to Naps Party; though he has an unconventional strategy of being a write-in only candidate, not seeking inclusion on any of the 50 states' ballots. Chief campaign strategist Daniel P. Gutkoski explains: "Eric Zapakin is a household name. Unlike obscure politicians like Clinton, McCain and Obama, voters don't need to see a name typed on a ballot to remind them who to vote for. We feel voters will naturally write in Eric's name."

According to the unscientific poll conducted by EZTK, Eric currently has locked an astounding 80% of voters nationwide. (We randomly polled a pool of five of our EZ reporters -- four responded that they'd vote for Eric, and one didn't answer because he had his mouth full from eating a delicious Double Whopper, one of Eric's favorite foods).

Eric's domination at the polls has left his competitors with a loss for words. When we asked the other leading candidates for their reactions to Zapakin's sudden front-runner status, they all declined comment.

While other candidates are focusing on national health care, the war in Iraq and the economy as top issues, Zapakin's chief political concerns are not as broad. "Well, I wish fast food joints had more of a sauce packet selection, rather than just the standards like barbeque, honey mustard and ketchup," said Eric. "Maybe we could pass a law about that." Zapakin would also pass a Constitutional amendment to require employers to give workers three one-hour naps in a typical 8-hour work day; and hopes to replace the Supreme Court with his nine favorite players from the New York Yankees. "I think Derek Jeter has a lot of really good ideas," Zapakin remarked.

Other plans include a beer volcano and a stripper factory installed in place of the Washington Monument, and free DVD editions of E.R. seasons 1 through 5 for each of the United States' 300 million citizens.

Posted By: Pete Berg

March 11, 2008 01:42 AM

Eric Zapakin puts on pants TWO legs at a time

For years, Zapamaniacs have found comfort in the old maxim "Eric puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like everybody else." Despite his superhuman charm, looks and intelligence, Eric was just a regular guy, like all the rest of us. A regular guy who wore pants.

But yesterday, that notion was SHATTERED when Eric was spotted putting his pants on TWO LEGS AT A TIME...while riding a unicycle across a tightrope and juggling flaming batons.

When asked about the amazing feat, Eric just shrugged and said "I dunno, that's just how I've always put on my pants." He then proceeded to tie his shoelaces while balancing a platter of wine glasses and tip-toeing through a pen of vicious sleeping tigers.

Eric's unrivaled pants-putting-on skills have thrown many Zapakin fans for a loop. "I just always figured he put his pants on like you or me," remarked longtime Zapa-fan Ryan Regan. "Who would have thought that Eric could put on his pants two legs at a time? I mean, I always knew he could play chess while riding a rollercoaster, or skateboard out of a crashing helicopter -- but two legs at once? That sure beats me!"

These new revelations about Eric's acrobatic abilities have caused Zapakin enthusiasts to re-classify Eric's gymnastic skills on the official EZ Register. Zapakin now falls in the "slightly less than cat-like agility" category, up from his previous rating of "can pat his head, rub his tummy and chew gum at the same time."

Posted By: Pete Berg

February 17, 2008 16:11 PM

Worthless hack reviewer Nick Cecconi criticizes "Nap, then E.R."

Despite the overwhelming critical acclaim of Eric and the Zapakins' unparalleled hit song Nap, then E.R., one rogue voice claiming himself to be a "music critic" and a "zealous fan" of EZ has had the audacity to criticize Zapakin's genius. Nick Cecconi, a lecherous hack, whose only claim to fame was a series of underwhelming appearances on what we fans call "The Eric Zapakin Show" (also known as ICTV's "The Screening Room"), released the following message to Eric yesterday:

Dear Eric,
As a zealous fan of your musical career, I'm finding it increasingly difficult to justify the large-scale and (let's call it like it is) patently irresponsible sacrifices I've made to include your vision into the fabric of my life, both to myself and others. When I quit my job and left my family to follow you on that memorable first tour of Dairy Queen parking lots and reproductive health clinics, I promised myself it was out of a genuine dedication to a kindred spirit, a tortured soul in desperate need of connection. Needless to say, your newest single "Nap then E.R" has brought the fabulous world that you've painstakingly crafted with lyric and melody to come crashing down around me. I've never heard a more self-indulgent, tiresome commentary on the wear of modern life. We get it! Your musical genius is unparalleled, repleat with post-bop aggressiveness and sartorial word-smithing unseen since the days of Huey Lewis and that guy who wrote the COPS theme song. We don't need to be reminded of it everytime you put on your pants. I guess I'm just more disappointed than anything. If you decide to return to your roots anytime soon, I'll be at DQ.

-Nick Cecconi

Cecconi's audacious comment has offended Eric Zapakin fans worldwide, and we here at EZTK have taken it upon ourselves to declare an all-out war on Nick Cecconi and his supporters. Zapamaniacs worldwide are expected to unite in organized marches and protests, followed by Zapakin-style power naps this afternoon, February 17, 2008. Supporters have dubbed this National Revolution, then Nap Day.

Nick Cecconi, if you are listening, we DEMAND an immediate apology; a written retraction of your offending statements; a declaration that you will cease and desist all future criticizism of Eric Zapakin and his work; and that you dedicate the rest of your life to active promotion of our hero Eric Zapakin. This type of blasphemy is absolutely unacceptable. We will not let it stand.

Posted By: Pete Berg

February 14, 2008 18:24 PM

Eric and the Zapakins release new hit single "Nap, then E.R."

First off, we here at EZTK apologize for the two year gap in fast-breaking Eric Zapakin news! To sum it up, Eric spent the majority of the last two years taking naps and watching many episodes of E.R. --

Oh, and also recording a HIT record!

Everyone's favorite singing sensation, Eric and the Zapakins, just released a single entitled "Nap, then E.R." that has quickly become the most successful Eric Zapakin-related song in history! With "Nap, then E.R." burning up the EZ charts, we felt it was only appropriate to share it with you, the diehard fans.

MP3: Eric_and_the_Zapakins_-_Nap_then_ER.mp3

According to Eric, the song is "very personal," and delves deep into his personal life and ambitions. Writing the lyrics, though, came easily: "I thought about what is most important to me, and the words just flowed."

"Nap, then E.R." also features a cameo by Eric's good friend Brad Milison, who provides a rousing intro. Eric and Brad have wanted to collaborate on a song for quite some time, though until now, they were both too focused on their solo careers to bring their musical talents together. (Brad's most recent efforts have been dedicated to an interactive website entitled Brad in da Hizouse, which Brad says not only shows his hip, urban style, but also "that I care about other people.")

What does the future hold for Eric and the Zapakins? "Recording that song really took a lot out of me, and I think I'm going to relax for a while before I work on my next project. Maybe take some naps. Or watch some episodes of E.R."

Posted By: Pete Berg

July 31, 2006 20:41 PM

Eric Answers a Phone AT WORK!!!!

I called Eric today to inform him of my impending trip to New York City and my desire to meet up somewhere in that big and beautiful apple, and what do I get....

Dan's Cell Phone: RING RING RING
Eric: "I'm at work and cannot talk... gotta go"
Eric's Cell Phone: Click.

I won't lie... I was kind of pissed, but then realized that I was important enough for Eric to take my call while he was obviously busy at work. God damn am I the luckiest person on the face of this earth.

Hope everyone else is lucky enough to have such a fortunate event as the one described IN DETAIL above happen to them as well.... until the next time... its DT mother f-ing M.


Posted By: Daniel P. Gutkoski (a.k.a DTM)

July 6, 2006 20:37 PM

Clearing Up The Confusion Over Eric's Half Birthday

While Eric Zapakin's birthday (January 6th) has become a national holiday to rival the likes of Thanksgiving, Halloween, Christmas and Arbor Day, celebrating Eric's Half-Birthday has only recently become a tradition for Zapamaniacs the world over. As such, there is still much confusion over the exact date upon which we should celebrate.

While some have opted to simply add six months and celebrate on July 6th, many have other takes on when to throw their Half-Birthday bashes for Eric.

For instance, millions of people throughout the United States were seen celebrating Zapakin's half-birthday with barbeques and firework displays this past Tuesday, July 4th, decorating their houses with red, white and blue streamers, which Eric has described as "three of [his] favorite colors." While it is unclear why the fourth of July became the preferred date for EZHB (Eric Zapakin Half-Birthday) parties, or why July 4th EZHB celebrations were first held over 200 years before Zapakin was born in 1985, it is clear that this date has become steeped with tradition and flair for most American Eric fans.

Another camp of diehards holds their EZHB parties on July 8th, because that date falls half a year -- 182.5 days, not counting leap years -- after January 6th. While this is more accurate than the fourth or sixth of July, many say that it is not precise enough. Longtime EZ fan and Ithaca College math major Brett Hotchkiss celebrates instead on July 9th. "You have to take into consideration that Eric was actually born in mid-afternoon on the sixth," said Hotchkiss in a phone interview. "If you add the length of half of one astronomical year, which is approximately 182.621099 days, to the 6.72 days that had already elapsed at the moment in which Eric was born, you'll find that his true half birthday actually falls at about 8:00 A.M. Eastern Standard Time on July 9th." Hotchkiss plans to gather his friends and family for an early EZHB blow-out party this coming Sunday.

While this epic debate will likely never come to a close, we ask that you at least remember the true meaning of the holiday -- to celebrate the 6th month anniversary of the anniversary of Eric Zapakin's birth. Whether your party falls on the fourth, sixth, eighth, ninth, or some other day, what's most important is that you have a safe and enjoyable holiday. After all, that's how Eric would want it.

Posted By: Pete Berg

June 26, 2006 01:36 AM

Eric Zapakin Opens Pet Shop!

It is no secret that Eric Zapakin has always had a soft spot in his heart for cuddly kittens and lovable puppies; EZ fans are all too familiar with Eric's gentle, animal-loving side, and his hobbies of dressing up cats in human clothing and posting on the message forums.

But it came as a surprise to us all this morning when Eric announced, through his AOL Instant Messenger Away Message, that he was "selling some dogs". Though he did not specify whether he was selling beagles, daschunds or golden retrievers, one thing is clear: Eric was announcing, in his cryptic "Zapacode", that he has fulfilled his lifelong dream of opening up his very own pet shop.

Eric has long been known to speak passionately about the subject of pet ownership -- staring reflectively off into the sunset, and sharing his most personal cat-and-dog-related dreams with all who gather round. Eric always made clear his hopes to one day create a sanctuary where pet enthusiasts can come to purchase necessities like gourmet dog treats and Meow Mix Hairball Control Formula cat food; a place where zealous animal masters can "become one" with their parakeets and painted turtles; and a place where Pirate Cats and Dogs dressed up as Bumble Bees are free to roam without the persecution and humiliation that they experience in what Zapakin termed, "the cruel outside world."

While the official announcement of Eric's pet shop is still forthcoming, I think it is safe to say that all of you EZTK fans should start getting your pet-related shopping lists ready! Once Eric's pet shop has its grand opening, it will no doubt be swarmed by legions of Eric devotees looking for home-baked dog treats straight out of "Eric's Country Kitchen", Zapakin-brand stationary for their homing pigeons, and cat food saucers emblazoned with that irresistable "EZ" logo.

Posted By: Pete Berg

June 17, 2006 20:01 PM

Eric's Haircut: The Two-and-a-half Year Anniversary

It's hard to believe, but it's been almost two and a half years since February 6th, 2004 -- a day that Zapa-Scholars have declared "will forever live in infamy."

This day should need no introduction. All true Zapa-fans have February 6th, 2004 permanently engraved in their collective psyche, knowing it as "the day of reckoning," "the Judgement Day," or "the day that changed everything." I am of course speaking of the the day of Eric's Haircut. Now that the 2.5th anniversary of perhaps the darkest day in Eric Zapakin's entire life is upon us, we felt it was appropriate to set up a permanent memorial:

In memory of Eric's Haircut, has prepared an online photo gallery with pictures from the event. Casual Zapamaniacs should beware: this gallery contains strong, often graphic, imagery, which should not be seen by young children. We ask that you view the gallery with extreme reverance, out of respect for all of the participants in that tragic event, and especially for Mr. Zapakin himself.

Posted By: Pete Berg

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